It Would Kill Me
by I-Love-Phan-And-Butts
Summary: An unrequited love story involving Dan and Phil. (Note: title DOES NOT refer to suicide or self harm, for those who are sensitive to those topics) Thank you for reading!


**It Would Kill Me**

"So when are you going to settle down, Philip?!" The voice was practically screaming through the phone. It seems like moms are always overexcited when their sons call them.

"I don't know, Mum!"

"You're 26 already, and you're so handsome and sweet, but no girlfriend?"

"I don't know what to tell ya, I just haven't found the right person yet..." I've had this conversation multiple times lately. The truth is, I'm in love with my male best friend Dan. These feelings have existed for about a year now, and I have no idea how to deal with them. I wish I could make them disappear, but I know that is not how feelings work.

"I want grandchildren eventually, honey."

"So this is all about you then?"

"No, no sweetie. I just think you deserve someone who loves you and takes care of you, that's all."

"Thanks, mum." I said it as nicely as I could, limiting the bitterness in my voice, and clicked the red button on my phone.

Maybe settling down and having kids just isn't for me, isn't where my life path will lead. Right now, I am not able to imagine a life living with anyone else besides Dan. Our situation together has been virtually flawless up until now, and it's the life I've grown to know and love. Straying from the pattern just isn't in the cards for me right now. I'm not ready for change.

Dan's perfection emerged into the living room, dressed in a navy blue collared shirt and khakis. This is slightly more fancy than how we normally dressed.

"Does this look okay?" He did a twirl so I could see the 360 view of his outfit.

"Sure, yeah. What for?"

"You know that girl we met at the Radio 1 event last Saturday? The blonde who gave me her phone number?"

"Yeah."

"I have a date with her tonight." Dan smiled proudly and tied on his converse. "We're going to Starbucks and then we're probably going to walk around the park."

"Sounds fun." I faked a smile and turned around, walking towards my room.

"Yeah, I hope so. I'll see you tonight." Dan grabbed his phone and wallet and headed for our front door.

"Be safe, Dan."

"Of course, Phil!"

"You call me if you need anything."

"Yes, mum!" Dan snickered a little and closed the door behind him.

The pain immediately ensued. My heart stung and my throat felt dry. I was shaking. Falling onto my bed, I clutched my lion tight and laid there, staring at the wall. The grief made everything feel sore, empty, and lifeless.

I controlled it for as long as I possibly could, but after a while a single tear escaped my eye. Then another. Then a few more, until a frenzy of droplets were coming down as fast as rain, all being absorbed into this little corner of comforter I pulled close to my face, drying the stains Dan left on my cheeks.

I suddenly felt hatred for my situation, and myself. Dan's out having an amazing time at this amazing date with this amazing girl. Who would've thought that AmazingPhil would be alone, drowning in his sorrows over his best friend not loving him back. Dan's never going to love you back, Phil. Dan's straight, funny, beautiful, and perfect, and you're just silly old Phil. He'll never see you as more than a friend, not as you see him. You're a disappointment to your family too. You're not going to continue the family name and give your mother and father the miracles they deserve. You're just a big waste, giving your life to entertaining others while you can't even properly get yourself together.

I spent some more time staring at nothing, thinking about everything, until I finally exhausted myself and went to sleep in my clothes. I don't know how much time had passed, I wouldn't know the difference if it had been minutes or days, but I awoke to the sound of Dan unlocking the door, keys jangling in his fingers. I decided to get up and talk to him about the date, fingers crossed that it went badly. I just wanted to talk to him about absolutely anything, to be honest.

I ran my hands through my hair and met Dan outside, in the living room. "You're still up?" His voice was full of energy.

"Yeah, guess so." I offered Dan a smile, he deserved it. I spun around to read the clock. It said that the time was 2:35 AM. "How'd it go?"

"I had a really good time, I think."

"You're going for round 2?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Cool."  
I started heating water for my favorite relaxing tea. That was something I really needed right about then. I let out a heavy sigh that was a little heavier than I should have allowed.

"Why do you always get like this when I go on dates, Phil?"  
"What do you mean?"

"You seem sad, or pissed, or... I don't know. You seem upset."  
"I'm not upset about anything."

"See, right there! You're doing your serious voice. You never do your serious voice unless you're properly annoyed by something."

"It's nothing, Dan. I'm just tired."

"I don't believe you. We're talking about this right now, whether you feel like it or not."

"Fine."

"Fine what?"

"Maybe I don't approve of you going out with girls that you barely know." When I expelled the sentence it felt like I had just thrown up. I felt better, but was still dealing with some unfavorable side effects.

"What the hell are you talking about, Phil?"

"You know... I guess it just bothers me when you're out with so many different girls every night. Isn't it weird to you?"

"This is what most 22 year olds do. I don't see the weird side. Dating, for one, is a perfectly normal activity for my age group!" Dan was getting defensive, and I really didn't want to attack him, but I had to say what needed to be said.

"Yeah, you're right."

"What are you so worried about, Phil?"

"I don't want to see you get hurt."

"You know I'm not taking these dates too seriously, right? You have nothing to worry about. They're just casual get-togethers, it's nothing, Phil."

"I'm just concerned that you might fall for one of these girls, and she might not feel the same way back. Maybe she'll only see you as a friend, or something."

"You're concerned about something so specific? You're such an odd one!" He laughed but I was still completely serious.

"It would kill me to see you get hurt, Dan. That's all. It would absolutely tear me apart to see you sad, angry, or disappointed."

"Where is all of this coming from? Why are you being so protective all of a sudden?"

"I care about you way too much, Dan." I felt those familiar emotions welling up inside, again. "It would kill me."

"Understood." Dan knew how I felt about him, without me saying anything. The look on his face told me he understood everything.  
"It's okay Phil. I'm okay."

"Glad to hear it."

"Goodnight, Phil."

"Goodnight, Dan."

He shuffled on info his room, shutting the door the same way he does every other night, leaving me alone to wallow in my fear, desperation, and sorrow. As I watched him leave me alone for what seems like the billionth time, I felt that dull sting of unrequited love pierce straight into my heart, injecting a fine poison that would pump through my veins forever.

(author's note: thanks for reading! I am primarily a fluff writer, but lately I've been trying out some other styles (this one being angst) and I would love to hear your feedback!

I would also like to thank Britt (DovahFinn) for being such a great friend, and for challenging me as a writer! You're awesome, girl!)


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